[ It's not like Billy couldn't see this coming. Even trying his best not to provoke Gator ends terribly. But he keeps going back for more, and this is no exception. White hot rage courses through his every nerve as Gator grips his throat tight, but even now his hatred, his loathing, it all points back to himself.
Because if he were stronger, Gator couldn't hurt him. He'd be able to break his hold, get away, do something other than shove and kick uselessly at him as stars dance in the corners of his vision. If he were smarter, he'd have left this place the night he'd limped home, battered and bruised, telling himself this was it, the last fucking straw, and he'd have meant it. And if he weren't just as sick as Gator, twisted, perverted, a faggot, just like Neil had always known, maybe he'd deserve better than this.
But he's none of these things, and so he seeks his punishment, again and again. Like maybe the next time it'll fix what's broken, instead of just making it worse. Making him sicker.
Stumbling backward, Billy braces himself with one hand against the wall, knees buckling. He gasps for breath, the sensation of strong fingers around his throat lingering.
The forceful slap is too familiar, evoking foggy memories in California untouched by sun. He squeezes his eyes shut tight, grunting as Gator yanks him up by the hair, slaps him again just as hard.
He's ten years old, and he deserves this for crying. He's fourteen, and he deserves this for fighting other kids at school. He's sixteen, and he deserves this for getting high with his friends. He's seventeen, and he deserves this for liking boys.
He's not here, can't think, the words just roll out of him. ]
[ yes sir. gator rears back and smacks billy again, then again, before he backs off, panting. he stumbles a bit, gaining his footing, watching billy's face redden. he deserves this, doesn't he? billy and his goddamn fuckin' mouth. gator's hit with a memory - it's vivid and violent, gator being hit by roy over and over and over, backhand stinging until it didn't anymore. too stupid, too weak, too soft. he wanted gator to be built of steel, so gator donned it.
sick spreads sick, the family tree of rotten apples, the cycle that hurts his chest. you know better than this, don'tcha? no, gator doesn't. it's all he knows, violence and pain and the circle that hangs over his head like a halo. this is what he figures he'll always be like - down on his knees waiting for roy's permission to stand. to breathe. to live.
tears prick at the corners of his eyes, gator turning from billy to cover his mouth, bent over. his brows knit, and there's a small sob that escapes. he's no better than roy, but isn't that what he wants? isn't that the goal? a hard man for hard times - a hard son for harder times. this is a hard time, and gator stands, quick, almost making himself dizzy. a tear falls, so he wipes it away quickly, rounding on billy with rage. he strides back over, pushing billy against the wall, hand to his sternum. he looks into his eyes - dark to dark, the honey-brown of the sunlight coming through the blinds slicing their faces with slivers of it. gator's jaw sets, tight, and he places his hand to his handprint on billy's face. he keeps it there, then tilts his head. ]
It's over.
[ and that's the worst part. he has to stay away from billy - this is will continue, this will happen again and again and again, gator unable to control himself. he wants to hurt billy again, but his hand falls, and another tear falls. he pushes billy back, trying to melt him into the wall as if he doesn't want to see him. as if he'll disappear. maybe he'll run away for good, and that's for the best. he spits on the ground between them, it soaking into the carpet. he turns from billy, again wiping the tear away. it's too much too soon, the urge to pull billy to him to kiss, but that's done. that's what he wanted, and gator will give it to him.
as gator pauses in front of the door, his fingers twitch. he stares at the wood, the locks, before he wordlessly unlatches them. he turns the knob to step out, then he looks back. he has to make sure billy doesn't come back. it'll be worse, so much worse, but that's what gator thrives on. he hears roy's wives crying in the night, wanting to escape, wanting to leave. one day, gator knows he'll turn into roy, more and more. ]
[ Gator's hand comes down against his face again and again, but Billy's determined to stand firm through it, bare feet planted against thinning carpet. As long as he doesn't open his eyes, he has some hope in holding back his tears. Neil always got more angry when he'd cry; Gator's the same.
But it's a quiet, choked noise that makes him open them again, and Billy doesn't have words to describe how the sight of Gator curled over himself makes him feel. It's only for a moment, but as he watches him wiping his eyes before turning back around to face him, Billy understands him. The rage, the pain, burning so hot it can't be contained, the overwhelming need to dispel it onto someone else.
Then, just as quickly, Gator shoves him up against the wall, and Billy feels like if he pressed any harder his entire chest would cave in. His dark eyes are glossy, wet, just like Billy's, and he hates that seeing Gator like this makes something in him soften when he'd never grant himself the same grace.
His hand is heavy against Billy's cheek, the skin hot to the touch, swelling. Billy presses his palms against the wall, taking a shaking breath as he anticipates another hard smack.
It's over. It's all over, and Billy watches a tear roll down Gator's cheek, catching the light just before he shoves him backward. The back of his head hits the wall with a thud, but Billy only feels numb. It's when Gator turns away to leave that Billy finally chokes on a sob of his own, a matching pair of tears falling as he slides down the wall, onto the floor.
This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Billy knows this, has known it since Gator first sunk his claws into him. It needs to end before it ends him, but he already feels the urge to beg him to stay burning in his lungs. Their eyes meet again, and Billy swallows hard, throat hoarse. ]
[ billy tells him to fuckin' go - and gator grants his wish. he gives it a moment, then steps out completely before shutting the door. he walks back down the stairs, turning his walkie back on. bowman hasn't pulled back up yet, so gator texts him to come around in five minutes. as he leans against the lower garage of the apartment building, he allows himself one minute. just one. that's all he can afford against himself, against his father's teachings stringing themselves across his mind and pulling. tears fall, and gator bends over again, unable to breathe. he can feel roy's knee in his gut, his ribs - gator lets out a shuddering breath, collecting himself. it's as if he's drowning, pulled down by stones, but he has to swim to the top.
i am a winner.
standing up again, he wipes tears away with his palms, then clears his nose and spits it. once he's satisfied that there's no trace of what he's just done, gator steps away from the garage and near the curb. he doesn't turn to billy's window, he doesn't make any more attempts at a goodbye. he wants to, he wants to see billy's face, but there isn't time for that anymore. gator hangs his thumbs from his beltloops, jaw tensing. when bowman pulls up, gator slides into the passenger's side, signaling for him to head back.
what happened, gator? whipped his ass. he ain't gonna be a problem anymore. well, shit, gator! roy's gonna be proud.
roy's gonna be proud. gator pulls out his vape with a smile, one that looks so much like he means it. he takes a long drag, rolling the window down. maybe the the wind will dry the mist in his eyes, the way he hopes this was all worth it. ]
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no subject
Because if he were stronger, Gator couldn't hurt him. He'd be able to break his hold, get away, do something other than shove and kick uselessly at him as stars dance in the corners of his vision. If he were smarter, he'd have left this place the night he'd limped home, battered and bruised, telling himself this was it, the last fucking straw, and he'd have meant it. And if he weren't just as sick as Gator, twisted, perverted, a faggot, just like Neil had always known, maybe he'd deserve better than this.
But he's none of these things, and so he seeks his punishment, again and again. Like maybe the next time it'll fix what's broken, instead of just making it worse. Making him sicker.
Stumbling backward, Billy braces himself with one hand against the wall, knees buckling. He gasps for breath, the sensation of strong fingers around his throat lingering.
The forceful slap is too familiar, evoking foggy memories in California untouched by sun. He squeezes his eyes shut tight, grunting as Gator yanks him up by the hair, slaps him again just as hard.
He's ten years old, and he deserves this for crying. He's fourteen, and he deserves this for fighting other kids at school. He's sixteen, and he deserves this for getting high with his friends. He's seventeen, and he deserves this for liking boys.
He's not here, can't think, the words just roll out of him. ]
Yes sir.
no subject
sick spreads sick, the family tree of rotten apples, the cycle that hurts his chest. you know better than this, don'tcha? no, gator doesn't. it's all he knows, violence and pain and the circle that hangs over his head like a halo. this is what he figures he'll always be like - down on his knees waiting for roy's permission to stand. to breathe. to live.
tears prick at the corners of his eyes, gator turning from billy to cover his mouth, bent over. his brows knit, and there's a small sob that escapes. he's no better than roy, but isn't that what he wants? isn't that the goal? a hard man for hard times - a hard son for harder times. this is a hard time, and gator stands, quick, almost making himself dizzy. a tear falls, so he wipes it away quickly, rounding on billy with rage. he strides back over, pushing billy against the wall, hand to his sternum. he looks into his eyes - dark to dark, the honey-brown of the sunlight coming through the blinds slicing their faces with slivers of it. gator's jaw sets, tight, and he places his hand to his handprint on billy's face. he keeps it there, then tilts his head. ]
It's over.
[ and that's the worst part. he has to stay away from billy - this is will continue, this will happen again and again and again, gator unable to control himself. he wants to hurt billy again, but his hand falls, and another tear falls. he pushes billy back, trying to melt him into the wall as if he doesn't want to see him. as if he'll disappear. maybe he'll run away for good, and that's for the best. he spits on the ground between them, it soaking into the carpet. he turns from billy, again wiping the tear away. it's too much too soon, the urge to pull billy to him to kiss, but that's done. that's what he wanted, and gator will give it to him.
as gator pauses in front of the door, his fingers twitch. he stares at the wood, the locks, before he wordlessly unlatches them. he turns the knob to step out, then he looks back. he has to make sure billy doesn't come back. it'll be worse, so much worse, but that's what gator thrives on. he hears roy's wives crying in the night, wanting to escape, wanting to leave. one day, gator knows he'll turn into roy, more and more. ]
I hope I fuckin' never see you again.
no subject
But it's a quiet, choked noise that makes him open them again, and Billy doesn't have words to describe how the sight of Gator curled over himself makes him feel. It's only for a moment, but as he watches him wiping his eyes before turning back around to face him, Billy understands him. The rage, the pain, burning so hot it can't be contained, the overwhelming need to dispel it onto someone else.
Then, just as quickly, Gator shoves him up against the wall, and Billy feels like if he pressed any harder his entire chest would cave in. His dark eyes are glossy, wet, just like Billy's, and he hates that seeing Gator like this makes something in him soften when he'd never grant himself the same grace.
His hand is heavy against Billy's cheek, the skin hot to the touch, swelling. Billy presses his palms against the wall, taking a shaking breath as he anticipates another hard smack.
It's over. It's all over, and Billy watches a tear roll down Gator's cheek, catching the light just before he shoves him backward. The back of his head hits the wall with a thud, but Billy only feels numb. It's when Gator turns away to leave that Billy finally chokes on a sob of his own, a matching pair of tears falling as he slides down the wall, onto the floor.
This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Billy knows this, has known it since Gator first sunk his claws into him. It needs to end before it ends him, but he already feels the urge to beg him to stay burning in his lungs. Their eyes meet again, and Billy swallows hard, throat hoarse. ]
Please - just - just fuckin' go.
no subject
i am a winner.
standing up again, he wipes tears away with his palms, then clears his nose and spits it. once he's satisfied that there's no trace of what he's just done, gator steps away from the garage and near the curb. he doesn't turn to billy's window, he doesn't make any more attempts at a goodbye. he wants to, he wants to see billy's face, but there isn't time for that anymore. gator hangs his thumbs from his beltloops, jaw tensing. when bowman pulls up, gator slides into the passenger's side, signaling for him to head back.
what happened, gator?
whipped his ass. he ain't gonna be a problem anymore.
well, shit, gator! roy's gonna be proud.
roy's gonna be proud. gator pulls out his vape with a smile, one that looks so much like he means it. he takes a long drag, rolling the window down. maybe the the wind will dry the mist in his eyes, the way he hopes this was all worth it. ]