[ Gator's hand comes down against his face again and again, but Billy's determined to stand firm through it, bare feet planted against thinning carpet. As long as he doesn't open his eyes, he has some hope in holding back his tears. Neil always got more angry when he'd cry; Gator's the same.
But it's a quiet, choked noise that makes him open them again, and Billy doesn't have words to describe how the sight of Gator curled over himself makes him feel. It's only for a moment, but as he watches him wiping his eyes before turning back around to face him, Billy understands him. The rage, the pain, burning so hot it can't be contained, the overwhelming need to dispel it onto someone else.
Then, just as quickly, Gator shoves him up against the wall, and Billy feels like if he pressed any harder his entire chest would cave in. His dark eyes are glossy, wet, just like Billy's, and he hates that seeing Gator like this makes something in him soften when he'd never grant himself the same grace.
His hand is heavy against Billy's cheek, the skin hot to the touch, swelling. Billy presses his palms against the wall, taking a shaking breath as he anticipates another hard smack.
It's over. It's all over, and Billy watches a tear roll down Gator's cheek, catching the light just before he shoves him backward. The back of his head hits the wall with a thud, but Billy only feels numb. It's when Gator turns away to leave that Billy finally chokes on a sob of his own, a matching pair of tears falling as he slides down the wall, onto the floor.
This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Billy knows this, has known it since Gator first sunk his claws into him. It needs to end before it ends him, but he already feels the urge to beg him to stay burning in his lungs. Their eyes meet again, and Billy swallows hard, throat hoarse. ]
[ billy tells him to fuckin' go - and gator grants his wish. he gives it a moment, then steps out completely before shutting the door. he walks back down the stairs, turning his walkie back on. bowman hasn't pulled back up yet, so gator texts him to come around in five minutes. as he leans against the lower garage of the apartment building, he allows himself one minute. just one. that's all he can afford against himself, against his father's teachings stringing themselves across his mind and pulling. tears fall, and gator bends over again, unable to breathe. he can feel roy's knee in his gut, his ribs - gator lets out a shuddering breath, collecting himself. it's as if he's drowning, pulled down by stones, but he has to swim to the top.
i am a winner.
standing up again, he wipes tears away with his palms, then clears his nose and spits it. once he's satisfied that there's no trace of what he's just done, gator steps away from the garage and near the curb. he doesn't turn to billy's window, he doesn't make any more attempts at a goodbye. he wants to, he wants to see billy's face, but there isn't time for that anymore. gator hangs his thumbs from his beltloops, jaw tensing. when bowman pulls up, gator slides into the passenger's side, signaling for him to head back.
what happened, gator? whipped his ass. he ain't gonna be a problem anymore. well, shit, gator! roy's gonna be proud.
roy's gonna be proud. gator pulls out his vape with a smile, one that looks so much like he means it. he takes a long drag, rolling the window down. maybe the the wind will dry the mist in his eyes, the way he hopes this was all worth it. ]
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But it's a quiet, choked noise that makes him open them again, and Billy doesn't have words to describe how the sight of Gator curled over himself makes him feel. It's only for a moment, but as he watches him wiping his eyes before turning back around to face him, Billy understands him. The rage, the pain, burning so hot it can't be contained, the overwhelming need to dispel it onto someone else.
Then, just as quickly, Gator shoves him up against the wall, and Billy feels like if he pressed any harder his entire chest would cave in. His dark eyes are glossy, wet, just like Billy's, and he hates that seeing Gator like this makes something in him soften when he'd never grant himself the same grace.
His hand is heavy against Billy's cheek, the skin hot to the touch, swelling. Billy presses his palms against the wall, taking a shaking breath as he anticipates another hard smack.
It's over. It's all over, and Billy watches a tear roll down Gator's cheek, catching the light just before he shoves him backward. The back of his head hits the wall with a thud, but Billy only feels numb. It's when Gator turns away to leave that Billy finally chokes on a sob of his own, a matching pair of tears falling as he slides down the wall, onto the floor.
This is the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Billy knows this, has known it since Gator first sunk his claws into him. It needs to end before it ends him, but he already feels the urge to beg him to stay burning in his lungs. Their eyes meet again, and Billy swallows hard, throat hoarse. ]
Please - just - just fuckin' go.
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i am a winner.
standing up again, he wipes tears away with his palms, then clears his nose and spits it. once he's satisfied that there's no trace of what he's just done, gator steps away from the garage and near the curb. he doesn't turn to billy's window, he doesn't make any more attempts at a goodbye. he wants to, he wants to see billy's face, but there isn't time for that anymore. gator hangs his thumbs from his beltloops, jaw tensing. when bowman pulls up, gator slides into the passenger's side, signaling for him to head back.
what happened, gator?
whipped his ass. he ain't gonna be a problem anymore.
well, shit, gator! roy's gonna be proud.
roy's gonna be proud. gator pulls out his vape with a smile, one that looks so much like he means it. he takes a long drag, rolling the window down. maybe the the wind will dry the mist in his eyes, the way he hopes this was all worth it. ]